My son just gave me the greatest gift he has ever given me, and he has no idea. Jaycen has Asperger’s Syndrome. We did not get a diagnosis until he was 7. Up until then, you have no idea the hell we had gone through. I thought I was a rotten, incompetent mom. I thought he needed more than I knew how to give. Not love, never love. I couldn’t love him any more. I just wasn’t enough. I cried, often…. I doubted myself, often. And I questioned doctors, my mom, anyone who might know why he did the things he did…
Right before his 7th birthday everything started unravelling. We tried counselling. They said Panic Disorder. Put him on Paxil. OK, I’m on Paxil…. Made sense, right? Not enough. Then after begging everywhere we FINALLY got him seen by a Psychiatrist and he was getting violent. Not the tantrums. No, those we always had. Full out on the floor, not your average ones either. But, no this was worse. Trying to hurt himself and me! This was NOT my child!
The Psychiatrist said Bi-Polar. We read up on it and there is some in the family. OK, we accepted and trusted this doctor. Who, unknown to us put him on a medication that was NOT approved for children! Oh, we knew about the medication, just not that it wasn’t approved for children. More and escalating violence ensued. Desparate we sought emergency help and were threatened with Child Services if we did not have him admitted into a childrens’s Psychiatric hospital- 2 weeks before Christmas!
All this time, ALL THIS TIME…. I thought he hated me for that! He would never allow any reference to it, ever!
Now the gift:
He has to submit an essay for why his mom is the best. If he wins a contest he has to read it on the radio. So he was conflicted and I wondered why. He tells me he wants to write about that time. WHAT????!?!?! He said to me that, by realizing he needed that help and getting him the correct diagnosis, I showed him more love than most moms. I saved him! And with my caring and humor I was what got him through it.
I just started crying! I mean, he doesn’t hate that I did that! He understands why I did. Because I loved him, no more no less. He is so grown up and wise beyond his years. So, yes, the best gift ever!!!!!
About Kristen: I am an Aspie myself and we embrace Asperger's in our house. I was diagnosed the day my son was. Has it always been easy? Not on your life! But once we knew what we were up against we learned how to own it and make it work for us. We are so lucky, really. Asperger's has brought out the best in us. And did I mention that my husband is an absolute Saint?
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